Rising Above Body Image Struggles: A Revelation Within

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi and welcome to the Revelation Within podcast. I'm Heidi Bilesma-Epperson, one of your hosts and the owner and lead coach of Revelation Within.

Speaker 2: 0:09

And I'm Christina Motley, your other host, also a Revelation Within coach and Heidi's partner in all things Revelation Within, and we're so happy to invite you to join us for this episode of Revelation Within.

Speaker 1: 0:30

We've been doing this rebranding for about four months now, and when we changed the name from thin within to revelation within, we also prayed about a new mission statement, and we're just going to we're going to kind of talk a little bit about that and how that differs, or does it differ from what our focus was previously? So our mission statement for Revelation Within is we equip people with life-giving, grace-infused tools to deepen their intimacy with Jesus, so that counterfeit comforts lose their allure and the joy and hope of Jesus fills their lives, satisfying their souls.

Speaker 2: 1:11

Oh my gosh, I love that mission statement. I love it, Heidi. That's exactly what we're about. I just love it.

Speaker 1: 1:18

You know there's a lot in this mission statement, but one of the things that I have wondered recently is if people think, has our mission changed? Have we shifted what we're about? And I don't know. What do you think about that, christina? Have we shifted what we're about?

Speaker 2: 1:35

I think shifted might be the wrong word, I think deepened our focus. That might be maybe honed in. Sharpened our focus. We are absolutely about what we were about before. Yes, absolutely. Most people over the years have come to us with food and eating issues. But once they start our classes, once they start the programs, once they start coaching, they realize, oh my gosh, there's so many areas in my life that are affected by this. It's not just food and eating. I'm more not just about food and eating. We actually weren't before either, but the name kind of implied because we had the word thin in the name yeah, the name implied that that's kind of all we were about. But actually, if you read all the books, if you go into all the things that have been around since 1975, it will become clear to you that it's never been all about food and eating.

Speaker 1: 2:34

Certainly, counterfeit comforts includes overeating. Counterfeit comforts, though, can also include obsession with dieting and exercise. Yeah, I mean that is a counterfeit comfort, because now I like to address why do I think of dieting and obsessive exercise as a counterfeit comfort, because anything that keeps me from dealing with my stuff, anything that distracts me from my stuff and bringing it to Jesus to process with him, is a counterfeit comfort. What he wants is for me to bring the things that are turning in my heart and mind to him, so that he can be the God of all comfort, so his Holy Spirit, who he calls the Comforter, can minister to that place inside of me, but for so many years many of us. I know it has been the case for me. For so many years I just kept running from him, putting in place of a genuine, authentic going to Jesus, pouring it out to him. I put in place of that the diet idol, the exercise idol, that I'm going to grab ahold of this monster with my hands and I'm going to take control of it monster and the weight loss monster. I mean because, really, really, for me it was all about okay, I've got to get, I've got to look a certain way, I've got to be a certain fitness level and man, I could do it, I could do it too. But God showed me over an excruciating week long period of time that this was not healing me. It wasn't healing, in fact, it was damaging to me. And I believe that it's more damaging for people who are on that path than they realize. As long as we can stay focused on fixing the food or on moving our bodies more to make up for what we've eaten, or I mean, we're never going to deal with being at peace. And what does that require of us? It requires self awareness. That's hard, it requires self disclosure, it requires being authentic. These are, I mean, it's vulnerable and it's not comfortable. I'd much rather run on the treadmill than be vulnerable. I mean really doesn't have to be either or, but for many of us it is.

Speaker 2: 4:56

So you and I, Heidi, we were having a conversation before this podcast about our stories. What was it that brought us to thin within all those years ago now? Revelation within, but what brought us? What were we struggling with? And then what happened? And then what happened after that to bring us joy and freedom in the Lord? I wondered if you might tell your story, because I know that it's incredibly valuable and for everybody out there who's listening, your story is so valuable, and to be able to share that is one of the ways that we come out of shame and into healing. That's true, that's very true.

Speaker 1: 5:39

Yeah, sure, I'd be glad to share it, and if you already know it then you can fast forward through this part. Anyway, no, I was a really good dieter and you know I was very successful dieting and I loved working out. So for me it was all a real nice neat machine that I could just plunge myself into and not have to think about anything else. So I remember probably the most significant dieting experience in my life weight loss experience in my life happened in the early 90s, after I had had both my babies, and I thought you know what I'm just going to do? This weight watchers thing. I am going to do the weight watchers thing. Yeah, I tell you what I did. I took a careful track of back then it was fat and fiber. You kept track of your fat and fiber grams and you had a limit of how many you could have each day, anyway, and I did that and I loved it. I loved it, and then I worked out like a crazy person twice a day and over the course of less than a year I lost 100 pounds of weight watchers. I did and I was super fit and I ran the San Francisco marathon and I mean it was just amazing. I thought I'd arrived, but you know what? Life was still the same. My relationship with my husband. I mean, we were great friends, but there was just something not right. And this was the previous Mr Biles month, anyway. But worse than that, worse than that, I came out of that year of steadfast exercising and dieting with an obsession with food and eating in my body. I remember so clearly I was a writer the whole time. I liked to write devotions about God and eating and God and not eating and God and exercising and God and on it. Anyway, I did. I wrote these really and I have them still and I came out of that going. I cannot believe this. I am so fixated on food more than when I needed to lose weight, I was fit and I thought all the problems would go away once I got to that place. Yes they did it. They did it's like wait what? It was really disillusioning. And then I thought okay, I'm going to plunge myself into helping others. I'm going to be a weight watcher's leader. Some of you may have heard the story about that. I was doing well with the interview process and so on. They had to check with corporate because I had a doctor approved weight not within their BMI and you know what? I was so disillusioned when they told me your weight is too high. It's like wait what I'm at 14% body fat oh, my God Really are weight watchers. They're weight watchers. It wasn't about my fitness or about my health, because if I lost that weight that they said I needed to be a weight watcher's leader, according to corporate, I was going to actually have to be unhealthy to lose that kind of weight. It would have been way too low for me. That was a season of my life where, wow, I learned the hard way that my dieting history was not going to go anywhere good if I let it continue. And so that was when God primed me to be ready to go on a path that ultimately led me to thin within, and it was so interesting that I mean, I had so much to sift through and I had my first exposure to the thin within industry through the book that is now Hunger Within. I highly recommend that A phenomenal book phenomenal yeah, christina is using it with her one-on-one ladies right now. Quite a bit, I was just floored at what it addressed. It addressed the stuff beneath the stuff. Beneath the stuff making me eat, you know, making me want to obsess about dieting. That was making me want to obsess obsessively, hang on to exercise in a way that was compulsive, dealing with the stuff. I had never realized that I could actually use what I thought was good dieting and exercising to avoid relationships with the Lord and with people and dealing with some of this stuff. That was motivating all of that in the first place. So, wow, that book made a huge difference. But what it did was it motivated me to begin to train myself how to think. That was the book that started it for me, that book in the form that at the time it was called Thin Again, which is Ms Nohmer. How could I be thin again? I had been thin. So it was not the book of Ms Nohmer, but it really took me deep and it took me to a place where, wow, my thinking is defective. I have been deceived. I mean deceived even in the church. I was deceived because, you know, christian weight loss was a big deal at the time. I don't know if it still is, because I'm not in that realm of Christian weight loss, dieting thing. But, wow, it's so interesting that we will to the exclusion of deepening our intimacy with God through dealing with our stuff. We prefer the diet, we prefer the counting, we prefer the measuring how many reps, how many miles, how many thiss and thats Because I can fix it on that and I don't ever have to deal with the hard stuff. I mean weight loss is easy, compared to the stuff I really need to deal with.

Speaker 2: 11:04

Most people, and I'm thinking you know, even myself, when you were telling that part about when you were full on into Weight Watchers and you were losing weight and you were exercising and counting this and counting that and all the accolades and cheers yeah, oh my god the cheers. And I'm going to be honest. There's a part of me that was like drawn while you were saying that. I still have that. You know that I struggle with sometimes after so many years of trying to be that way. That's you were who I wanted to be at that time. So it's so interesting to me how that's still. I'm listening and I'm thinking, wow, you know I was. My story is totally different, but one of the things I want to ask, though, in case it's not clear so, after that whole year with Weight Watchers and after Weight Watchers said you're not thin enough at 14% body weight to be one of our leaders, what happened?

Speaker 1: 12:08

physically to you. I was over-training. I trained for another marathon too soon after the previous one and. I got an overuse injury, and that was when my obsession with food became really apparent to me. I gained like 30 pounds in a month, I mean it was ridiculous. It was like you can eat just about anything when you're running as much as I was running, yeah it's exercise bulimia, and my husband at the time, the first, mr Biles, said that was my bulimic period. That's how he referred to it. I never thought of it that way. I wasn't like intentionally burning something on well, maybe I was, but it's like, yeah, it was an interesting season because I was driven by that.

Speaker 2: 12:51

So you're saying that during that time, when you were doing everything quote, unquote, right and you were self-discipline and you were self-controlled, and people were saying, heidi, you're amazing, look at you, look at you doing this. But then it all kind of fell flat.

Speaker 1: 13:13

Yeah, I hadn't changed my thinking except to make it more obsessive about food, and so give me an overuse injury where I can't exercise and I'm still eating the way I ate when I was running so many miles every week and the weight came flooding back on. And with the shame. I didn't have any way of dealing with shame. It was something that came along later as I went into that hunger within book. It taught me a lot about shame and how to deal with it. And then, further on, as I met Barbara Aveling and learned about my renewal, it's like the two dovetailed and God showed me how I could renew my mind about failure, about shame, about all those things that so very often I would eat over or try to avoid thinking about by dieting and exercise. And it's so interesting Both ends of the pendulum were my way of avoiding what Christ was calling me to deal with.

Speaker 2: 14:10

And then those of us that know your story know that within, within, you were able to lose the 100 pounds again.

Speaker 1: 14:19

And people lose 100 pounds more than once in a lifetime, if they ever do. But yeah, I lost, which is my MO, I, I met business and so incredible story.

Speaker 2: 14:30

It's absolutely amazing, and then so let's, we'll come back to that, because then you know we want to hear what happened, of course, with the mind renewal.

Speaker 1: 14:39

You mentioned, your story differs from mine, christina. Go ahead and tell us about your story.

Speaker 2: 14:44

Okay. So for me, I was also in that same place of dieting mentality and I need to be thin and I need to be fit and then throw tan in there to try to get tan all the time to where I was raised in Southern California and I was this pressure that we all felt all my girlfriends, we were all doing it. We were exercising like crazy and, honestly, I loved that part of it. I love the exercise because it was so much fun. I loved moving my body, but I did the same thing. I injured myself because I used my body too much and it was way beyond what was good for my body. As far as exercise, you mentioned being such a good diet or basically such a successful diet or and how getting the weight off for you was actually easy. For me it was the opposite. I mean, the most I ever lost on anything was like 20 pounds. I never went way up and went way down. I was very much kind of in this strange nebulous place of gaining. Yeah, I was in limbo. I felt. You know, really, as a teenager I was overweight. As a college student I was overweight. A lot of people don't have that part of the story. The overweight comes like later in life and after kids. For me, it was before. It was really my whole adult life that I was struggling overweight, eating way too much food, drawn to foods that I thought would somehow fix me emotionally. My story was much more about emotion. I ate for emotional reasons all the time and then tried to restrict the rest of the time, and that's an impossible combination.

Speaker 1: 16:40

Well, the emotions don't go away, do they? No you can't turn to your typical coping mechanism. You know that it was a counterfeit comfort. You're telling yourself no, you can't have that.

Speaker 2: 16:54

You mentioned the pendulum swing where it's one extreme or the other. So I would quit and give up for a while and just eat whatever, whenever, and was miserable that way, gaining weight. And then I would get on some kind of a restrictive plan and try that and have, I don't know, maybe a week or two where I could do it, maybe just a few days, and was miserable because I hated the restrictions and I wasn't doing it. Well, I do remember there were a couple times when I had the kudos from other people like I would be off for the summer. I'm a teacher, I would do something restrictive in the summer and work out like crazy and show up at school in September and some of the teachers would say, oh, christina what did you? do. Look at you, you're amazing. Well, I've never had self-control like that. But really within a week it was over and I was, you know, eating again because of the stress of work and the emotion and all of that. Anyway, it was just an awful torturous place to be. But you know, I had a great life. I mean, I loved my life. I loved my husband, my kids, my job, my church, all those things. I had wonderful friends. But inside and in my little secret world, when the lights were out and I was laying in bed late at night, I was covered, soaked full, full of shame, shame, constant shame.

Speaker 1: 18:22

And I thought what is wrong with me.

Speaker 2: 18:24

Something is seriously wrong with me. I can't do any of this. Well, I can't do the diets. Well, I can't quit. Well, I can't. You know, there's like nothing I can do. I'm just kind of doomed, is what I felt like. So our stories are similar because the ending, or that part of the ending.

Speaker 1: 18:43

Throughout it, we are soaked in shame. Yeah, just at one point or another. For me, I could avoid feeling that shame by over exercising and focusing on counting and weighing and measuring food and graphing my weight relative to my calorie intake. You know, seriously, that was my way of avoiding feeling the shame. So we had that in common.

Speaker 2: 19:03

We did right, even though you were quote unquote successful in the world. From the world's point of view, you were what I was trying to be.

Speaker 1: 19:13

And what I thought it would result in, which was happiness, contentment, peace, joy.

Speaker 2: 19:18

Disappointing and I was failing at all the diets but I was same in the same place of shame and disappointment that you were.

Speaker 1: 19:28

So I think that's so interesting, so fascinating, so we both needed to learn how to think differently, because, yes of us, in our own ways, had the thoughts that we kept a hold of had to do with using food to make something go away. You know, I used it in a number of ways to make feelings go away or whatever, and you, you did too, I mean. It sounds like, though and that's an example of a counterfeit comfort Turning to food to kind of fill a space in us that's empty. It's a counterfeit, because God wants to be the one who comes in.

Speaker 2: 20:05

It's fake, it's not real, it's not really going to solve the problem, yeah.

Speaker 1: 20:10

Right, it's absolutely fake. Some of us have used alcohol in the same way. I know that I used the internet when it first came, came out so weird to say when there wasn't an internet and then there was at least for us mere mortals, you know, because I know it was existed before I ever knew about it. But I was online and have. I mean, that was another counterfeit comfort. Yeah, and I have my own little online world where everybody thinks I'm awesome and I dove into that. I created my own little world. And I've used video games as a counterfeit comfort. All the mind renewal that we have been crowing about in our courses, our coaching and on our podcasts is exactly what our hearts need to be satisfied in the Lord, to experience that intimacy that we talk about, to deepen our intimacy with Jesus so that the counterfeit comforts lose their allure. Some people wonder what are you not talking about? How can I eat differently? We are, we are just doing it differently than you might be looking for, because we know that that way didn't work. So we want to be sure that people know that it's renewing our minds, once 12 to says be transformed by the renewing of your mind. So if I need transformation inside or out or both, I need to renew my mind. And the converse is also true. If I don't see transformation in my life, no matter how much Bible study I'm doing, no matter how much inductive study, no matter memorizing and praying, if I don't see transformation, I'm not renewing my mind. I really believe I'm not, because renewing my mind will result in a changed way of thinking. I will think God's thoughts. After him, I will think with the mind of Christ. I will love what he loves and find him completely satisfying.

Speaker 2: 22:10

I think back to when I was at that place where it's like, okay, I am so desperate now I have had so many years of struggle with this. I mean, is there an answer? God is God. I believe in God. I know he's there. You know there's got to be a different way that he designed for us to live. When I came to Thin Within now Revelation Within I was at a place where, even if I wasn't going to lose another pound, I was so desperate. I just wanted that piece that you were just talking about. I wanted freedom and I thought, if somebody out there is talking about freedom and peace, if somebody out there is talking about a different way of living that doesn't have this horrible shame guilt cycle going on 24 hours a day, I want to know what it is, want to get in there and try it, whether I lose weight or not. Now, that was just where I was at at that point. Sometimes the most desperate place to be is the very best place to be, because you need to be for a change. You know any change can be uncomfortable, but if what you're dealing with every day is more uncomfortable than the change, that's when you do it. Heidi, you were the first person that I had ever heard talk about life this way and, yes, related to food and eating, because that's where I was at. I had all kinds of other things going on. I didn't even pay attention to those because I was so focused and fixated on my weight, my size, my food, my eating, all of that. I was totally, completely obsessed and fixated.

Speaker 1: 23:52

People do that in thin. Within two or with them, they can get fixated on it. That's where we've got to make a shift.

Speaker 2: 23:58

There were other things going on. I know that the Lord was trying to show me. He wanted me to see. Well, this isn't you know. Let's talk about this other area of your life, christina. But I had covered all of that up. I wasn't interested in anything except for weight and my body and food and eating. So that's what drew me and I thank God for that now. I mean, I thank him that that's how he drew me. He knows me. He knew what would bring me to him in desperation. So I thank God for that now. But I remember hearing you talk Heidi on that little video on the website. You were standing in your kitchen and I thought I have never. This is like totally new. This is different. I've never heard anyone talk about food and eating the way she is. But I want that. I want to grab ahold of that and that's why I put the scale away. Well, it broke anyway. I threw it away For me. I had to let go of my obsession in order to see what was really happening. And what was really happening was that my heart had a need. And thoughts were all wrong, totally wrong, and had been for so many years. We have so many participants that come to us with this similar pattern, whether it's kind of Heidi's story or more of my story. They come and they say there must be something better than this. And there is, and there is. Yes, there absolutely is. So are we about the same things that we were years and years ago? Yeah, we are. But yes, we took then out of the name because we're so much deeper than that. We're so much more focused on what God is doing in our lives than the number that my genes say.

Speaker 1: 25:55

Yeah, and I think one of the things that may have caused people to wonder if we're still about the same thing is the classes that we are offering now Mind Renewal 101, mind Renewal 201, the Power Tools Work Journal class, which is a workshop class. We're not offering classes that fixate on food and eating. We're instead saying let's go straight to the heart of what has caused us to turn to counterfeit comforts. Whether it's watching too many soap operas I don't know if people still do that Anyway or if it's reading romance novels, or if it's eating is it overeating? Yeah, I mean it could be. And so we go in a direction that says let's go to God, let's learn how to think with the mind of Christ, about stress, about holidays, about difficult people, about finances, about everything.

Speaker 2: 26:53

because those are all things I would eat over. I mean, do you have to eat over finances? Oh, I ate over absolutely anything that you can name. Absolutely anything, I ate over it.

Speaker 1: 27:04

Why are you talking about stress when you talk about Mind Renewal? Why?

Speaker 2: 27:07

Because we eat over stress, and if you're not a person that eats over stress, you might drink over stress or you might overspend over stress, or you might overwork because of stress, or there's any number. There's no end to the things that we can overdo. That's exactly what you said. Counterfeit comforts they're fake. They don't help us.

Speaker 1: 27:31

And so, rather than slapping a band-aid up on it all and saying, okay, let's fixate on the food and I'm only going to eat this much when I'm hungry and stop when I'm satisfied, that's a great way to go, but without the Mind Renewal, it's a slapping of a band-aid on there. You're still gonna. It's gonna be like a diet to you. It is going to be like a diet and so you will have success, maybe as far as physical changes, and that's awesome. Maybe when I was on diets over the years, so successful and then I'd get injured or something and it's like I'm kissing the scale. Goodbye, I will never see that number again. You know, because I'm often running back to food, back to my counterfeit comfort, because I have not learned the grace-infused tools that would deepen my intimacy with Jesus. I haven't learned how to do that. I have read the Bible, I have gone to church, I've been in Bible study, I've read devotions, I've written devotions, I've done all kinds of things, led worship, and yet I wasn't transformed. The classes we're offering now are going to cover it all. I mean, it's one-stop-shop, it really is.

Speaker 2: 28:41

It is. I mean, in the classes. Yes, we talk about food and eating, but we also talk about how do we deal with our aging parents, because we eat over that too, because we eat over that too, how do we deal with parenting, raising young kids, raising older kids, teenagers, young adult kids? What about, like, chronic illnesses, chronic physical issues? What about those things that we struggle with? A wandering child Heartbreak? You know, our lives are filled with joys, yes, but also with heartbreak. And how do we deal with that without going to something that's counterfeit, that's fake? That's what we're about. That's what we're about, I think about God, I think about the God of the Bible, I think about the God that I have read about and studied about and prayed to for my whole life. Would he not have a plan for this? He?

Speaker 1: 29:36

does, and his plan really does cover all the bases it does, I mean, for me. I learned mind and all because I knew I needed to think differently about food and eating in my body, so that's what motivated me to go on this quest to learn how to renew my mind, be thankful for Barb Ravelling every day because of the things I learned from her, but that was my starting place. God has since then, you know, in getting to know Christina and the work we've done together, ignited all kinds of strategies for thinking with the mind of Christ. And so now, instead of just food and eating being impacted how I went through a very difficult ending of my first marriage, that was impacted how I went through a real traumatic medical crisis that was impacted all by mind renewal. How I have dealt with moving back to the mainland and living with my mother-in-law my new mother-in-law that has been impacted by mind renewal too, and so I don't have to be a victim to all my circumstances. I can God's thoughts, I can ask him God, what are your thoughts about this? And when I am struggling, you know, because living with your mother-in-law is hard, no matter how awesome she is it's like what are your thoughts about this? God? His thoughts are very clearly. I have called you to this and I will give you what you need for this. This is a great opportunity for you to love her. Well, now, I'm not going to eat when I have thoughts like that, because I know I'm called by God and it's a beautiful, beautiful thought. So that's all because of mind renewal, all because of mind renewal.

Speaker 2: 31:18

Yes, and the Bible is full of God's thoughts. The Bible is full of who God is. The Bible is a love letter to us, and so we can be in the Word, in the Scripture, and we know God's thoughts. We also have the Holy Spirit within us, and so when we go to God, he impresses things, truths, on our hearts. He's given us so many ways to know his thoughts, and that is life changing, completely life changing.

Speaker 1: 31:50

So now, we haven't diverted from our message at all. The message we've had, we still have. We're just making it really clear that the best way to get where you want to go is to go through mind renewal to be able to think God's thoughts about your circumstances, your situations, your emotions, all of it, and then you're not likely to eat over all of it and then you're likely to turn to him in all of it and learn what he has for you in all of it. I mean it's a really beautiful, beautiful thing. I love looking over the course of the last 23 years that I've been involved in this ministry and seeing the evolution of how God has changed my passion, for you know what I'm passionate about and how he has used that not only in my life but in the lives of others too. That mind renewal, I mean. It's so exciting to see people say, oh my gosh, this isn't about food.

Speaker 2: 32:44

It's exciting to see their faces change their conversations, their eyes, their expressions. I mean the way they talk, the way they make decisions and choices. There really is peace. There really is freedom. There really is a way to live, even in the midst of difficult circumstances and overwhelming emotions. There really is a way to live, to walk closely with the Lord, thinking his thoughts after him.

Speaker 1: 33:14

He made a way, of course he made a way.

Speaker 2: 33:16

He loves us so much he wouldn't let this just be the great unknown. He has made a way for us to walk in peace and freedom, with food and eating and with all kinds of things, with everything.

Speaker 1: 33:32

So we're really glad you joined us today and hope that there's something here that might encourage you to come and combine with us.

Speaker 2: 33:39

Yes, we're just so glad that you've been here with us and we will see you hopefully at our next episode of our podcast Revelation Within on the adoooo.