The Truth about Self-Kindness: Realignment with God's Perspective

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi and welcome to Revelation Within on the Go.

Speaker 2: 0:03

I'm Heidi Bausma-Epperson, one of your hosts and the owner and lead coach of Revelation Within and I'm Christina Motley, your other host, also a Revelation Within coach and Heidi's partner in all things Revelation Within. We are so excited to invite you to this episode of Revelation Within on the.

Speaker 1: 0:25

Go, hey girl. I love the topic we're addressing today and if you're a guy, hey guy. You know the word of God says that God's kindness leads us to repentance, right? Yes, I love that. He's kind. Yes, and for years I thought of kindness to myself in ways that sure weren't congruent with the way that God was kind. It's like very different view. I thought of treating myself with food as being kind, and usually very sweet food and lots of it, and I know where this came from in my history, and if you listen to our podcast for any length of time, it might be obvious to you as well. But how about you, christina? What did it mean, or has it meant to you to be kind to yourself?

Speaker 2: 1:14

Well, I was always in kind of this conflict with myself over that very thing in through all of my dieting years. On the one hand, I thought I need to be kind to myself by exercising like a crazy person, like every day in another class, and this is what being kind to myself is I have to be good to my body. And then I have to have lists of foods that are good and lists of foods that are bad, and then all these rules and restrictions, and I guess I thought that was kind. But then there was another part of me. When the big emotions came up, when the big stress came up, when I wasn't feeling well or whatever, all of a sudden kindness meant having too much to eat. Actually, this is what the world tells us so much of the time. Oh, christina, you're feeling a little depressed this afternoon. Here's some ice cream. Why don't you eat as much as you can?

Speaker 1: 2:13

I used to relate to the food as being proof that I could be kind to myself. So, like there are certain foods, even advertising slogans. Pray on this. Think about it like Dairy Queen. It's like having a party in your mouth. Well, who doesn't want to have a party in their mouth? When they want to treat themselves kindly. And we use that word treat, I'm going to treat myself. Skittles candy says taste the rainbow. Well, who doesn't want to taste a rainbow or have a party?

Speaker 2: 2:41

around. Well, I remember the first time I saw this in a donut shop. We were out of town and we got some donuts for our whole family and they handed me the box and my mouth dropped open. Do you remember this, heidi? I sent you a picture and in the front of the box it said you deserve a donut. And I thought well, there it is, and of course I had been reading Barb Ravelling's book I Deserve a Donut and Other Lies that Make Us Heat, and I thought here it is. It's written on the box.

Speaker 1: 3:15

Well, exactly as a kid, even my parents trained me and I've shared this before but when you eat these things over here, then you get rewarded with this stuff over here. And the rewards were always sweet, and the things you had to eat to get the rewards were usually the things that.

Speaker 2: 3:31

I didn't like at all.

Speaker 1: 3:33

And so I grew up thinking that reward treating myself, being kind to myself was all expressed through sweet food there's nothing over sweet food, but it isn't the way God expresses kindness to me, so maybe I can hesitate a little bit when I think of kindness to myself. Maybe there are other ways of being kind to myself and we're gonna talk about that a little bit. I'm excited about that. I'm excited too.

Speaker 2: 4:01

I was just gonna say it reminds me of being in the grocery store aisle. I know I've mentioned this before and there are still magazines there. I saw them all this week when I was at the store and the one side the magazines are all saying be kind to yourself by restricting and losing weight and exercising like a crazy person and try this plan and here's 10 steps for you, 10 self-help steps. And then you turn and the other side says be kind to yourself by making this big giant chocolate cake and by having this. Here's new recipes. There's this conflict going on in our culture, I think, all the time. What does it mean really to be kind to our bodies and what does God say about it?

Speaker 1: 4:52

Exactly. Well, one of the things Christina and I love to do is to go to God and ask him God. What are your thoughts about that? And then wait on him to give us some truth that we can wallpaper our minds with. Sometimes it comes in the form of a Bible verse, sometimes it comes as a personalized Bible verse, sometimes it just comes as a practical truth straight from God's heart to our very own. And I know both of us have been working on our body image and bringing those into congruence with God's view of our bodies, and one of the aspects to that has involved us in. How can I express kindness to myself and still be in alignment with God? So, christina, why don't you talk about that for a minute, where God has been taking you on this journey of body image improvements or whatever we wanna call it?

Speaker 2: 5:39

Yeah, well, you know, I was trying to think why has this come up for me?

Speaker 1: 5:43

right now.

Speaker 2: 5:44

I learned to renew my mind about nine years ago. It's been wonderful and amazing, and I had released weight at the time and I am in a healthy size. So why is this coming up? I think it's coming up because of the stage of life that I'm in. To be honest, I'm in paring menopause, almost menopause, and my kids are grown two of them are grown and doing their own thing, and I have one still here who's a senior in high school. But my body is changing for sure, and my life is changing in a really well. I think it's dramatic. It's a dramatic. I notice changes in my body and I think that I've needed to go to the Lord with that and say Lord, what's going on? Is this normal? Is this part of your plan? Should I fight it somehow? Should I be upset about it? Should I go to those magazines that say, oh, do this. If you're in menopause, drink these shakes or whatever? I think that's what's led me there, and it's been about a year that I've really been struggling with it. What should I do, lord? What should I not do? What are you calling me to? How can I take care of my body during this season? But it's really been just in the last few months where I have really felt challenged in a deeper way because of the classes that we're offering, heidi. Heidi can tell you the same thing when we offer a class, we go through it ourselves with you, and I'm also coaching people one-on-one and it's like I'm going through it with them, and so I am constantly a work in progress. I'm constantly being challenged. God is showing me new things all the time, and I know it's the same as true for you, heidi. So one of the things that I've noticed is that I have been more critical of myself again. When I see my reflection in a mirror or in a window, you know you're walking down the streets or downtown or whatever, and there's these reflections and you turn and see yourself, and what I've realized is that, entering into this season of perimenopause and some of these changes in my body, I have been once again more critical of myself than I was before, and I don't like the way that feels. For so many years in my dieting years, I was very, very critical of myself. I know I've talked about this before in this podcast really actually mean to myself. But, at that time I thought that if I did that enough, I would change. It's like I was trying to punish myself into some kind of positive change and, as we know, Heidi and many of you know, it just doesn't work. We just feel worse and worse and we're just soaked in shame every day as we criticize ourselves, and nothing changes.

Speaker 1: 8:39

Well, the one thing that changes is I wanna comfort myself more yeah, more with something sweet.

Speaker 2: 8:46

Yeah, exactly, so that's true. It just kind of intensifies what you don't want. I've been thinking about this a lot and we shared in another recent podcast, both Heidi and I shared our truth lists about our bodies and that has been huge for me, just so important for me to get back into intentionally renewing my mind about my body, and we've mentioned and said before that the more that we are grateful for our bodies this is what we're finding, and our participants too the more we're grateful, the more we want to take care of our bodies in a way that's pleasing to the Lord and honors him really for his creation, for what he made. Okay, so, along the lines of consistent mind renewal about my body and also this need to speak differently to myself when I see a reflection, I jotted down some sentences, some phrases that I can use to replace those thoughts. These are thoughts from God. How do I know what God is thinking? These are from scripture. They all come from who God says that I am in the word of God. A lot of them come from Psalm 139, but it's all over the Bible. I'll just go through some of these and I have been enjoying them all week. It's been so much fun. Okay, so imagine I'm passing by a mirror, or imagine yourself passing by a mirror and you turn and look and we want to replace those negative critical thoughts. So here's the first one.

Speaker 1: 10:28

There she is.

Speaker 2: 10:29

She's fearfully and wonderfully made. Yes, here's another one. That's God's girl in the mirror. Look, god loves what he made in her. Love her made in God's image. Oh, I love this one, god's masterpiece coming through. That is one loved girl, god's poetry in motion, that's God's beloved girl. And then my other favorite, I think, is check her out, radiant and redeemed.

Speaker 1: 11:08

I love those. How would it affect you if, when you looked into a mirror or caught a glimpse of yourself in a window reflection, those were the kinds of things that you thought I know?

Speaker 2: 11:19

what some of you are thinking. I'm just imagining this. Some of you are thinking, christina, you haven't seen me, you don't know what I look like. Like, how can I say these things? And it's true. Well, it's true because this isn't about how you look. This is about who you are, your identity in Christ. So, heidi, I know this is something you've been struggling with too recently, so we've been struggling together, which is really the best way to struggle is with somebody. I have so much enjoyed listening to you and you've inspired me talking about your process, especially in the middle of the night. Will you talk about that?

Speaker 1: 11:59

Yeah, definitely. I feel like some of our most vulnerable times are in the dark, whether it's as we're trying to fall asleep or when we're awakened during the night and can't get back to sleep. That is when we have heard so many of our participants talk about you know. Their minds just start spinning and spinning, and I think that the enemy prowls a lot during the night. I am somebody who has a bladder to the sides of a wall, and so I get up to the bathroom two or three times a night, to be honest with you, and those were such awful times for me until recently, so during the night. I still remember when I really called myself out about this. It was when we were living on Catalina Island, in this tiny little cabin, and as I was walking in the middle of the night to the bathroom, I grabbed my thighs both of them and just said an angry, self deprecating comment, and I know for a fact that the enemy was like exactly you know, throwing me on. In fact, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he didn't put that thought in my mind by whispering it in my ear, and I began to realize I was doing this every time I would get up to go to the bathroom. Within the last year, when Michael and I moved here to the mainland again, I noticed I was speaking those kinds of people comments to myself in my mind, not doing it out loud, grabbing parts of my body, and oh my gosh and the Lord just stopped me in my tracks at one point. That was when the body image truth list kind of began to come to fruition and I began to speak those truths over myself, not just in the middle of the night but during the day, and say anytime I could, because what it does is it reminds me of what is true and how he sees myself. It's his thoughts I want to have. I want to think with the mind of Christ, and the mind of Christ is never going to grab my thighs and say, no, we're gonna let this keep happening. No, not gonna do that. It's this kindness that leads us to repentance. So it makes sense that he wants me to be kind to myself. It doesn't mean I lie to myself. It means I am truthful, thinking his thoughts towards my body so. I think, thoughts kind of like what you shared, not quite with the pizzazz you have. While you were sharing those thoughts, I kept hearing the theme song from my childhood when the Miss America competition would come on. Here she comes, subarica, or something like that. That's really fun. That's really fun. Yeah, and that's exactly true. A girl of God coming through, guy of God coming through. Anyway, it's fun to see how renewing my mind about this has really impacted the way I think of myself. I never do that in the middle of the night anymore and I don't do it any other time either. If I start to go there, god has trained me to take that thought captive and replace it with something I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a girl of God, I am chosen, I am his beloved and he didn't see this, whatever I have on the outside of me.

Speaker 2: 15:12

He looked in the heart.

Speaker 1: 15:13

You know, manly yes at the externals, but God looks at my heart.

Speaker 2: 15:17

Yes, check her out. Radiant and redeemed. God looks at our heart and all of these statements, all the things we just talked about that were real and true from God's perspective. Those don't change. Those don't change with the way your body looks or what season you're in, or how old you are or anything like that. These statements stay the same. These truths stay the same, and I love that so much. I've also been challenged in another way recently. I feel like God has really convicted me that I have slipped back into some old patterns of judging others and comparing myself to others in a negative way. Yeah, for example, I will be at the high school dropping my daughter off, and there's a lot of moms there that are right around my age and all of a sudden I find myself comparing. Do I look like her, does she? What does she look like? So I end up comparing myself to people my age or younger or older. I hate it and it's an old pattern for me. I did it for years and years, all the time I remember when my kids were little, I had them in these little activities and groups where everybody would play music or move in a certain way you know obstacle courses, things like that and from beginning to end all I could think of is how do I look compared to everyone else? And then I'm going to just admit that sometimes I was judgy toward others too, and that's embarrassing, to admit, it's horrible. I hate that. When I felt that, coming back in, I felt like God was very lovingly but firmly convicting me. Christina, this is an old pattern, let's not go back there. Let's go into what is good and true. Let's think on what is noble and praiseworthy. I started taking this list that I read to you there she is she's fairfully and wonderfully made and started saying it in my mind when in a crowd of people and looking at others. So now I've done this in the high school, I've done this at church, I've done this in the grocery store. Just really over the last week In my neighborhood somebody walks by with their babies or their dogs or whatever, and I am saying these statements in my mind. Look at that. There is one loved girl. Check her out. Radiant and redeemed. God loves what he made in her. So that tall teenager with the red curly hair, that person is God's masterpiece. That beautiful girl with the tattoos and piercings, fairfully and wonderfully made in God's own image. And that kind young man with the ripped jeans and the huge backpack God's poetry in motion. What I'm noticing is this is having an impact on the way I feel about myself and others. I'm renewing my mind using God's thoughts. Yesterday, for the very first time since starting kind of this new mind renewal experiment about my body, I walked past the mirror in my living room and said fairfully and wonderfully made. I didn't even think about it, the old negative thoughts didn't even jump in, and that was so much fun and so freeing, so full of peace. I loved it. I'm gonna keep right on going.

Speaker 1: 18:57

Yeah, and one of the things I love about what you're doing relative to others as well is that you're basically taking a new language and you've trained yourself to think in different words. So instead of looking at things that way, you're looking at the heart and seeing it the way God sees it, seeing the person the way God sees them. And that's what we want. We want to be Christ's life I keep coming back to. Okay, so what are God's thoughts about how I can express kindness to myself? So I put together this ways of expressing kindness to my body truth list and there's a lot more than that, just that on it. But I want to share some of that right now in case anybody else needs to express kindness to their body. For me, it is kindness to my body to stretch gently, kindness to my body to deeply, to move peacefully and worshipfully with joy. Just an aside it would not be kind to my body right now to run because my knees are thrashed. I just know that by of all of the health benefits of doing that, it would not be kind, it would not be God's will. So I'm not even going to pretend that that's a way of being kind. It's kindness to my body to be selective in how I choose to eat, when I eat, what I eat, how much I eat and to consider the possible inflammatory responses. That's kindness for me to think ahead. Will I be in pain if I eat this? It is also kindness to my body to choose to have a just right sized portion, which might be less food, and that is kindness, that's not deprivation Right. And also kindness to my body to soak in a bathtub. I want to keep in mind that my ankles, my knees and my hips, those joints, would love to vote for me to eat less food so that ultimately, yeah, they can carry around less of a burden, not for the purposes of shape shifting no, that's not kindness but for the purpose of lightening the load on my joints. I want my joints to last the rest of my life and I know that it is kindness expressed to my joints keeping less and that, in time, my body will respond well to that by lightening its load, and it's not about that. I have to say that to myself again and again. I will also do it this way. This is how I can express kindness to my body. Things like one less bite than yesterday, a little bit less in my serving size just right sizes all I need Asking God to show me if right now I'm eating because I need nourishment or if something else is going on, and if so, what and what does he want me to do with it. I can also express kindness to my body by inviting God in to my eating and moving experiences. I can also renew my mind about the joy in doing any of the above. If I struggle with taking one less bite or leaving some on my plate, I can renew my mind about it and tell myself God's truth about the blessing of my body is fearfully and wonderfully made. It is remarkably efficient. It doesn't take much food to keep it healthy and working well, because my body and mind does best when I'm outside and move with joy and gentleness. Here are ways I can be kind to myself. I will do my best to include a gentle movement session or a hike or a walk into each day, but not for the purposes of shapeshifting, for the purpose of giving my heart and my mind and my body what it needs, and that God will be in that with me. And then I will try to be available to spontaneously go on walks with my husband in the evening, just because to do so is another act of kindness to my soul, my spirit, my body and my marriage. And then I added a few what is true statements. As I do these things, my heart will feel lighter. my joints will thank me it will be easier for me to move and do the things I love, and I will experience and practice the character of God who is kind. That's just revolutionizing my way of expressing my new attitude towards my body.

Speaker 2: 23:25

Yeah, that is a fantastic list, heidi. I love it. I love it. I also made a list of ways that I can be kind to my body. I actually made this list a few months ago when I was feeling really, really sick from the Lyme disease that I struggle with, and I thought you know what? How can I be good to myself, how can I be kind to my body, this body that God made me, that is fighting this disease? One of them was drink lots of water. For me, it is life giving. It's so important for me to drink water all day long. At my little desk here where I coach, I have a cup of water constantly. I'm drinking all day long. Another one for me that is so important is rest. Whenever I have a chance, whenever things slow down, whenever there's a little space in my day, it's really important for me to lay down. That's not true for everyone, but it is true for me, and if I can get in five, 10 minute rest throughout the day, my evening is going to look so much better. Another one is letting things go. Sometimes I need to let things go that God hasn't called me to, and that's a big one for me. I can be kind to myself by letting things go that I don't need to do today or right now. I can let those go. You mentioned gentle movement. That's a big one for me. Stretching and moving gently and joyfully, renewing my mind of course, is a way that I can be so kind to myself, to my body. Taking a short walk you mentioned that one Practicing gratitude gratitude for my body, gratitude for anything actually is very healthy for my body and my mind, my heart. Praise, praise and worship this is one of the best things that I can do in being kind to myself. That sounds strange, because what I'm doing is focusing on the Lord and praising Him. That's what you were made for.

Speaker 1: 25:27

Yes, that's what I was made for.

Speaker 2: 25:28

So it feels good, it lifts me up, it puts me in the right frame of mind. Yeah, it just brings joy, let's see. Getting outside you mentioned that one that's so good for me. Even if I'm just going to sit outside in a chair in the sunshine and put my bare feet in the grass, even if I'm not even moving, really it is life-giving for me to be outside, choosing whole body pleasers, foods that make my body feel good and strong and energized. Boy, that's a big one. Listening to praise music I've got to have music in my day, every day. It just is so good for me. And then waiting for a strong hunger signal that is life-giving for me. Slowing down and enjoying the food that God has provided for me and stopping it just enough when I'm eating. Those are some of the things on my list on how I can be kind to my body. So we often have people say to us you know, is there a way to make this journey a little bit easier? How can I increase my want to? Here's one of our best answers Practice kindness with yourself, with your body. In your thoughts, think about your body, think about yourself as God does more and more, and guess what this really gets so much easier. It does because you want to take care of the body that God so lovingly made for you, and if you're a person that hates their body, like I did for so many years, it's really hard to take care of something that you hate right.

Speaker 1: 27:06

You know I have an example of that. You know, y'all know, I grew up in an abusive home and I had this guitar that I bought. I was only nine years old. I bought it at a garage sale, always wanted a guitar and I played it and I loved it. I had a name for it in high school. So a lot of years later my mom got mad at me and she busted out the backside of the guitar oh my gosh. And then she bought me a replacement guitar as her way of saying sorry. You know, I never could take care of that guitar the one that she gave me to replace it. I didn't care if it got scratches on it, I didn't care if it just looked terrible, and it's one that I used when I first led worship in youth groups and stuff, but I just never took care of it. You know what? I think that's a really good example of how practicing hating my body is going to affect how I care for my body in the same way it was with that guitar. And then when I have a guitar that I value, and many years later I got a 12 string Martin guitar, which I absolutely love, I tell you what I chose that thing like. It is worth a million bucks. I always wanted one and I love it and I treat it super special. How much more so should we treat this precious body God has given us? So I want to challenge all of us to practice thinking God's thoughts about our body right now, the way it is this minute in this present moment, and let's practice a new language towards our bodies, and towards others too, if we're thinking of others, like Christina gave us so many wonderful examples, so we can practice treating them with kindness and respect, and even cherish them and taking good care of them.

Speaker 2: 28:44

Yeah, I mean really when you think about it and when you read Psalm 139 and other places in the word. God took a lot of care and time. He was very intentional in every detail about how he made us. So I want to appreciate that. I want to honor what he made in me. I want to be grateful for my body instead of hating it.

Speaker 1: 29:10

Let me ask you this, just because I know we've talked about it but what do we do with these truth lists? It's one thing to talk about how to make a truth list and another thing to know what to do with it. So what I've made the truth list Is that all I need to do to change the way I think?

Speaker 2: 29:26

Yeah, good question, heidi. The process of making a truth list is very, very valuable. So that's your first step is inviting God in and actually making the truth list, and it can take a while. I mean, you can add to it my truth list about my body. I've added quite a bit recently and started it months ago, so the process is very valuable. But then, once you have those truths, there's quite a few things that you can do, quite a few ways that you can use the truth list to renew your mind. So the first thing that you'll want to do is just read those truths out loud. If you don't have privacy, you can whisper them or read them in your mind.

Speaker 1: 30:07

But in your car, when you're driving. I mean, don't read them, but ask God to help you remember them and speak them out loud.

Speaker 2: 30:14

Yes, we find that speaking the truth out loud really packs the punch. You can take just two or three and use those for a day or for a week and say them out loud, memorize them. That is so, so important and if you're really really struggling with something and you want this truth list to make a difference, you're going to need to do it at least a few times a day, if not more. It only takes a few minutes, okay. Another way is to write them out longhand. That sounds so simple, but if you take a pencil and a piece of paper and you start writing these truths out, your body is involved, your brain is involved. You're saying them out loud as you're writing them, and it really brings it home to our hearts. It just helps. It really helps. Another way is taking one or two of the truths and putting them to a simple tune and kind of singing it throughout the day. You could hum that just so that you are engaging with that truth all day long. Another way is to look for scripture that supports and goes along with those truths. A lot of people like to do that personalize scripture, add scripture into the truths.

Speaker 1: 31:29

That's another way If you are not sure how to even make a truth list. There's a couple of ways to create truth lists. One is to jot down some of the things that you speak over your own soul, over your own body, in your mind or out loud that you know God wouldn't be behind. Jot those down and then ask God what are your thoughts about that? I like to scratch out the harmful truth, those things that I know aren't in alignment with God's thoughts about me, and then write down next to it the thought that he wants me to replace it with. That becomes a truth list. Then the second way I create a truth list is just start with God. What are your thoughts about my body or whatever it is you're doing a truth list for? Just listen for him. He says that his spirit is in you. You have the mind of Christ. Thinking with the mind of Christ, it's always going to agree with scripture. That's the litmus test. Then, once you have your truth list, what Christina shared repetition is our friend. We find ways of repeating it to ourselves in multiple modalities. If you can do it where you can hear it, see it, say it, write it, that's to get into you that much better, yes, sing it when it comes to these body image issues, the language we've used to speak about ourselves or to ourselves. We've, many of us, been at this for decades. It will take some concentrated effort to train ourselves to think differently. But oh, is it worth it, Is it?

Speaker 2: 33:03

worth it. I know, heidi, you and I both absolutely love to see the transformation happen in people. It is so amazing to see the way they talk about themselves, the way they talk about others changes, and the way that they relate to God changes too, and it's beautiful and it's life giving and it's really, it's healing, actually it's so healing.

Speaker 1: 33:34

So I think that I have talked today about ways that God is changing our perspective on our body image and how we are learning to be truly kind to ourselves, in alignment with God's own character and His will, and I hope that there's something here that you feel like you can apply, maybe create, and that you too can be on that road to a body image that is in alignment with what God has to say he loves you, he thinks you're amazing and he makes you wonderful.

Speaker 2: 34:04

Okay, let's end with this list, so that you have it in your mind as you leave our podcast and the next time you see yourself in a mirror or reflection, you might want to just switch out your negative, condemning thoughts with these wonderful truths from the Word of God. There she is. She's fearfully and wonderfully made. That's God's girl in the mirror. Look, god loves what he made in her. Love her. Made in God's image, god's masterpiece coming through. That's one loved girl. God's poetry in motion. That's God's beloved girl.

Speaker 1: 34:43

Check her out radiant and redeemed, and of course you can use Guy in there too. We're equal opportunity.

Speaker 2: 34:52

Thanks for joining us and we hope you'll come back next time. Join us for our next episode of our podcast, Revelation Within on the Middle.

Speaker 1: 35:02

East Go.